I Promise I Didn't Mean This to Be Cynical

Spinning Wheel
I couldn't see
Left from right.
Blind to conflict,
Deaf to the breaking sound
Of separation.
I couldn't see just how quickly
This spiral went.

The issue leaving me
Dizzy.

Where am I now?
Which end of the lever
Am I holding on to-
Right or wrong?
On what side of the spectrum
Do you see me-
Love or hate?

Vision spinning now,
Seeing double, seeing triple.
You're an enemy,
You're an aly,
You're everyone
But you.

I can't tell
Up from down anymore.
Direction for this situation
Seems to be lost.

This twirling top
Left me.
Violently spun me into
A choice I'd hoped
We'd never have to make.

Spin cycled to rock bottom
By a problem with
No owner.
But atleast  the only place
To go from here
Is up.

Getting Out

I hate when people say they just want out. They just want to get out of this town and move to some big city with big plans. I mean sure go for it, but they don't realize how alone they'll be. I mean you're leaving everyone behind. I have always had a problem with people telling me that this is a boring town, because my friends and I, although not always satisfied with this town, always had a good time, always have a good time, always make our own fun.
I have never intended to just get out of this state. I mean I have BIG plans but I have never hated this town. I love that I grew up here. It's beautiful and full of opportunity but...
There's always a but right?

But I don't want to end up like a lot of the teachers I meet. I mean there is nothing wrong with being a teacher, because that's noble, but so many of them graduated from the same high school they now teach at. They grew up in the next district over or down the street. They have seen this town grow and mature and that's nice and all but I don't to base my life in one town. I mean my foundation is here, it always will be. But that doesn't mean I have to be.
The state of Kentucky, and I'm sure many other states as well, have ways of convincing students to stay in the state. You can't use Keaas money if you go to an out of state college, you can pay a certain tuition for staying in your state and I mean, I get wanting educated people to stay in the commonwealth but its almost limiting.

Wait, this isn't even the point. This is:
I want out. Just for awhile. Just for a week even. Just to live a totally different lifestyle for a week in a totally different place. I want to go away and have an adventure and come back and appreciate my life here so much more. I want to go away and experience the world so that when I return here, I have an understanding on what I want. Because right now I'm sixteen and a junior in high school and I don't know. I don't know what I want except I know I want to be used by God. If He keeps me here forever then I know it will be a lovely forever, exciting and I will enjoy every second, but He is gonna have to tell me that...

But I don't think that's what He wants. I just need a better understanding of this small world. I am sixteen and I have traveled, I have been in big cities, but that's not the experience I'm talking about. I don't know.
Sorry folks, now I sound like one of those people I was talking about earlier. Oh well.
Hey, Might as well see where God takes me.

They Are Both

Good, once in lifetime opportunities, so which one, God, do You want me to choose?

Get Ready

I feel like goodbyes are really hellos. Truly.

I look at goodbyes with such a bittersweet angle. I mean I hate saying goodbye, even when I've been wanting to say it for a while but I hate it either way. Because you're losing something or someone that was once apart of your life.

But then again... You're starting fresh. And I like to believe that goodbyes are almost second chances. Maybe if we attempt to let go at the same time we release to final words from our lips, we can actually move on, we can say hello to whatever the future is sending out direction. I think it's funny because in all honesty when you say goodbye to someone you meet someone new within a matter of months, and we take that for granted. We don't give them the chance to not take the place of who we lost but instead to build an addition to our hearts.

I guess once to finally say the words then all you've done is say the words. But... Saying them and then walking away from the situation, happy or not, if we do it with peace in our hearts and confidence in our stride, maybe we'd see all the new beautiful hellos coming our direction. Oh well.

It feels like winter in Kentucky. I wish it felt like Autumn... Mostly because it's Autumn. Legitly.

Hectic

I complain about having too much to do.

Real Teen Faith articles to write, homework to do, tests to study for, a guitar to strum, poetry to write, a million things to plan and get ready for. But honestly, I love life. I love having to go here and there and writing down things on post-its to remind myself of things that need to get done. I love a hectic life. Not because I’m a busybody but simply because I everything I’m doing means something. It keeps me happy yeah but I’m investing in my passions and destiny.

Someone once told me that if you are bored with life, then you aren’t doing what God wants you to do because He has an exciting life in store for you. I’m not bored with life. I am not living in shades of gray, I am living in technicolor beautiful fullness. I love that. :)

Well, I figured I should write an update, not too long because of course I have too much to do! :)

P.S. www.stephjazmin.tumblr.com La Vida Es Bella blog :)

We're Baaaaaaack.

We arrived back from camp last Saturday at like five or six. It was a pretty rocking time. 

This past week I went on an oatmeal/pudding slipping slide, made a home in the Lazy River, sweat off like a million pounds, woke up at five a.m. and rediscovered myself. :)

I suppose when people come back from church camps that's typically what they say: I rediscovered myself! But I'm going to say the most cliche thing possible by telling you (whoever you are) that this was different. 

Out of all the camps we've done and I can't say I've ever been at one like Come Awake 2011. There was so much joy. So much spiritual warfare. So much energy. So much peace. Every year I leave thinking I can't happily come back to reality, but this year although I still didn't want to leave, I rode that bus home confident that returning back to reality could only mean God would do greater things in me than He already had. In all of us.

The most beautiful sight and sounds in the world were surely discovered this week: Kids with all their hearts, KNOWING and not just believing that they were destined for a divine destiny. Born to change the world. Its a sound I still can't get out of my head, and a picture that I know I'll be holding next to my heart for the rest of my life. Because God didn't just do something in those kids, He did something in me and the other workers. He awakened something, I mean I don't know about anyone else but for me it was just to chill and be confident in His plan for me, because He really does have one. 

I'm going to stop myself short because there is so many hilarious things I could say about camp, and some really touching stories too, and if I allow myself to start I won't stop. 

So Hey, Might As Well, stay awakened.

It starts Tuesday

Come Awake Kids Camp 2011

I've been waiting for this since 2010...

It starts Tuesday, and I once again have the honor and privilege of going to camp with amazing children and workers. This is my fourth camp, I've gone every summer except one for the past five years as a youth worker. Every single year it tops the year before and every single year it changes my life in ways only a Creative God like mine can.

The theme this year is COME AWAKE, I have to say that I absolutely love it. I love what it stands for. The dictionary says the Come means to approach a specific thing, to arrive on time and in the midst of progress. Awake means to rouse to action, to bring awareness. So here is why I love those two words put together: To approach a specific thing: Destiny. And to take action towards said destiny and in progress of that, bring awareness to the world that they have a destiny too: Come awake. 

All of me is just stirring with excitement. People talk about how wonderful it is to take a week and devote it to children and Jesus, but I honestly don't think a lot of people understand just how impacting the experience is. Because until you go and see a child who is totally broken inside, who has never been to church come awake and realize they are royalty, you don't know just how capable of fixing lives God is. Until you absolutely pour all of yourself out as a service to other's you don't know how wonderfully exhausting  it can be. And until you spend a week falling in love with kids who are going to be and are, the pillars of the world, and with them you cry out to a God who is bigger than all that's around you, you have no idea how permanently life changing it really is. 


The idea is crazy. To bring slime, creeks, water parks, and worship services all into one huge plot of land, but it is the most ingenious idea in the entire world. 


So by this time next week I will be in recovery from camp exhaustion, but I get the feeling I'll also be a new person. I will discover things about myself only children can teach me, and I'll open up to a new season the way only God can make me do. 


Hey, might as well come awake.